| I have always been attracted to the nostalgia of | | | | of a covert Navy Seals team, carefully ensuring |
| years gone by; the crisp look of a shirt with cuff | | | | that the ads are not disturbed and that no insert |
| links, the comforting crackle of an old time radio | | | | is misplaced. Trust me, she will know if a coupon |
| broadcast, the smell of a freshly painted white | | | | is missing. She has already researched the matter |
| picket fence; all of these relics resonant with a | | | | and knows what coupons should arrive, how they |
| warmth that reminds me of the goodness of | | | | will be incorporated into a comprehensive shopping |
| America. The ties to tradition are entreating; | | | | trip, and whether they can be combined with any |
| homemade fresh apple pie, cheering the home | | | | other offers resulting in stores paying her to take |
| team at a community baseball game, and sharing | | | | products from their shelves. (Is that legal?) |
| pictures of cherished children that make us swell | | | | Once she has cut out the coupons and arranged |
| with pride. Tradition has been turned on its head. | | | | them on the dining room table in preparation for |
| When proudly flashing the most recent photo | | | | the careful cataloguing that will shortly follow, do |
| received from your wife, most people would | | | | not disturb the staging area! The slightest breeze |
| expect to hear something like, | | | | could blow these wispy coupon treasures from |
| "What a cute little pumpkin." | | | | their stacks, causing a panic reminiscent of a |
| "I know, my wife took this picture during his | | | | government lockdown initiated after discovering |
| soccer game. Isn't it adorable how his ruffled hair | | | | that classified computer systems have been |
| radiates the enthusiasm of youth?" | | | | breeched. If your teenage son begins to run past |
| As the husband of a frugal freedom fighter, | | | | the table as he heads off to a friend's house, |
| however, one is more inclined to hear something | | | | tackling him to ensure that he does not create a |
| like, | | | | draft may be the greatest display of love and |
| "What a cute little pumpkin." | | | | concern for his safety that you could offer. |
| "Yeah, and my wife got it free when she | | | | Walking slowly, breathing lightly, and talking softly |
| purchased two boxes of stuffing with her coupon | | | | will all improve your chances of survival. |
| from Sunday's paper." | | | | What's In Store |
| Such are the sacrifices made by the spouse of a | | | | It may be prudent to sit down with your children |
| coupon clipping bargain shopper. Rather than | | | | and let them know that they do not live in a |
| receive adorable photos of my sons playing ball or | | | | Target store. This can be confusing for some |
| my daughter as she skips rope with her friends, I | | | | children who don't realize that just because there |
| get Chronicles of Conquest. These are | | | | are shelves filled with endless stacks of |
| documentary photographs displaying towers of | | | | deodorant, toothpaste, and shampoo, their home |
| toilet paper, neatly stacked boxes of corn flakes, | | | | is actually a private residence. Just because they |
| or an array of shirts and shorts...pristinely laid out | | | | are given a "shopping list" to go to the garage and |
| on the floor... empty, rather than filled with any of | | | | get food from the abundant shelves to restock |
| our cute kids. All are accompanied with the | | | | the pantry in the kitchen, does not mean that |
| phrase, "guess how much all this stuff cost me?" | | | | they will be required to wear a clerk's smock and |
| Like the brawny woodsman with giant heads of | | | | don a nametag. Stocking up goes hand in hand |
| antlered moose mounted to his log cabin walls, | | | | with coupon clipping and bargain shopping, but you |
| my wife loves to festoon my email in-box with | | | | may consider investing in companies that sell |
| photos of her latest shopping victory. With | | | | shelving materials. |
| excitement that is filled with unfamiliar phrases | | | | If you suddenly realize that your daughter is |
| like, "Using my BOGO coupon and applying my | | | | invited to a birthday party that you forgot about, |
| Easy Saver Rebate..." my wife intricately details | | | | don't worry. Head to the garage and select any |
| how she was able to combine promotions and | | | | one of the many toys that your wife has |
| clearance sales with double coupons and a | | | | purchased from the last Christmas clearance sale |
| rewards program to get $200 worth of | | | | or toy mark-down event. It may be a bit tricky |
| merchandise for only $1.67. While the concepts | | | | selecting one toy from the large stockpile, but the |
| are sometimes hard to follow, like the intoxicating | | | | birthday girl will never know that the gift actually |
| accent of a foreign movie star, her strange | | | | only cost $3 even though it retails for $45. You |
| jargon and animated narration is addicting and | | | | may want to explain to your daughter, however, |
| adorable. | | | | that the garage is not an actual department |
| I will admit that coping with the almost alarming | | | | store, and they don't have to worry that another |
| enthusiasm of someone who has just found a | | | | "shopper" will come in to purchase their bike or |
| "Buy One Get One" free coupon can be a | | | | their roller skates. |
| daunting task at first. Indeed, witnessing a bargain | | | | Variety Is The Spice Of Life |
| shopper discover that the local grocery store is | | | | Living with a coupon crusader means you get to |
| honoring Double Coupons is akin to watching the | | | | be on the cutting edge. That is to say, you are |
| frenzied stampede of wild horses that have been | | | | essentially now a perpetual test market. As your |
| deprived of water, suddenly smell a nearby | | | | bargain beauty gains greater proficiency, she |
| stream. It is best to get out of the way of such | | | | often becomes the recipient of promotional and |
| unbridled passion and just enjoy the beauty of | | | | test market products. Pace yourself and be a |
| the seemingly effortless bargain ballet. It really is | | | | support counselor for your children. While it is fun |
| almost a form of art. | | | | and exciting to sometimes get the latest product |
| For those who have just recently recognized that | | | | in their lunch, some "new" products are better |
| their beautiful bride has joined the growing ranks | | | | than others. Pringle sticks are cool and some |
| of the frugal fanatics, (a term of endearment) I | | | | flavors are yummy, but when your son comes |
| have decided to offer some FREE advice. (That | | | | home and begs you to talk to mom about not |
| last sentence alone, containing the word "FREE", | | | | packing the latest "all-natural" fruit bar, be |
| has likely triggered the Spidey Senses of coupon | | | | understanding. |
| sentinels the world over, who, in countless homes | | | | When you discover that instead of a Batman |
| across America, stopped in mid-sentence, lifted | | | | theme, your son is going to have a Juicy Juice |
| their head ever so slightly, and while sniffing the | | | | themed birthday party complete with Juicy Juice |
| air whispered, "I sense the word 'FREE' has been | | | | gift bags and playing cards, it may be time for |
| posted on the internet. I must go investigate.") | | | | reverse psychology. Casually wonder aloud how |
| Coupon Consciousness | | | | much money a person could save if they handed |
| The Sunday paper belongs to the mom. If your | | | | out promotional freebies at Halloween to the little |
| kids want to read the comics, or if you would like | | | | trick-or-treaters and let the money saving |
| to check on how your favorite sports team | | | | instincts kick in and do the rest. After all, you |
| faired, these are acceptable desires, but you must | | | | shouldn't be selfish and keep all the wonderful |
| surgically extract these sections with the precision | | | | items to yourself. |